I am Jazzily Deep in the Cold

I feel it in my head
In my body
In my being
I feel it in my mind
In my skin
In my hands
In my psyche
I feel it in the Earth
In my loneliness
In my anger
In my waking dreams
I feel it in my impatience
In my sadness
In my regretting acceptance
In my bandagd heart
I see it in the eyes of my friends
In my frustrated mother's
In my old father's
And in my dark, blind brother's
How I long to feel the hands and arms and cold feet of a lover
Of someone without this small town under his, her feet
Unafraid of everything
Unafraid of torturous responsibility and going on faith
Unafraid of freedom
Unafraid of loss and forgiveness
Unafraid of change
O how I see the seasons change and want to bust with running feet and falling tears like rain cooling pavement
Icy dreams, let the snow fall and cover me so I may finally rest my sacred, scared and troubled mind
Let the sun warm the cool snow and may the Earth feel me there
And let the building take notice and the pavement welcome me home
Let the hope of the future bring me to contentedness and the beauty and quiet and strength in today's moments keep me blessed and present now
Let me live the life I please in present and know I an free for expression and love and will always find love from others
Let the music play jazzily deep in the air

Revelation!: Ah-ha moments for the Androgynous

Life is not made up of good and bad, or even a mixture of both.
It's an endless stream of positives and negatives.
There can be no healing without first the struggle.
There can be no acceptance without at first resentment.
There can be no courage without at first fear and no strength without at first weakness.
People are people, there's no denying that, but to dream a  dream of overcoming what you are faced with externally and internally is masterful, and the feeling is close to heaven on Earth, that feeling of contentedness and seeing the polarity of our blessed world. 

The Meaning of Androgynous

1. Biologically having the same characteristics as a male and female, hermaphroditic.

2. Being neither distinguishably masculine or feminine, as in dress, appearance or behavior.

I can't think of anything more fun than being androgynous. I'm not a hermaphrodite, but I love my boy hips as my mom calls them. I like having my hair cut short (I recently went to a barber shop and like it a lot). I also like wearing pants opposed to dresses, but often I wear both. In this day and age anyone can be androgynous. More and more people are blurring the gender and even sexuality lines. The info pamphlet for the queer youth group I attend once a week puts the entire acronym for the gay community which should more than ever be called the queer community. I once looked upon it with dumbfoundedness and then understanding. Instead of just LGBT or LGBTQ it looked like this: LGBTQQIAP. Now, since I filled out the anonymous questionnaire every time, where we check each box we identify ourselves by (along with our gender if we want), I now know what all of these stand for. There's more!

Lesbian

Gay

Bisexual

(Gender) Queer 

Ouestioning

Intersex

Asexual

Pansexual (my personal favorite sexuality)

Also: Gender Fluid

I find all these sexual identities extemely refreshing. I end up checking almost every box every time! I usually check both male and female boxes, because I belief we have both feminine and masculine qualities in us. I love the freedom of these boxes, because I remember filling out a survey, and having to check "Gay", "Lesbian" or "Straight". I blanked. Then I checked "Gay", because it was sort of an umbrella term in my eyes. Freedom to identify however one may wish is a definite privelage in my eyes.

definition from www.freedictionary.com

image from http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lkc07sOZlZ1qhjq45o1_400.jpg

Men in heels and men in skirts

Girls wearing suits with the works

Night-clubs, bars, and ferris wheels

Fireworks, kisses

Rainy steals

Thunder, lighting, photographing

College, posting, happily boasting

Dancing, prancing, spontaneous romancing

And tea, lots of tea for me

Hahhhhh....(ocean).....

Why I Write

I write because I leak ink
As well as Blood
Naturally
I write because I feel music
I write because I love people
I write because I sing made up words
And quote movies and plays, and musicals
And love words
And read words
With their glory in tact
I love to write
And I'll always write my soul with my whole heart.

"If you're not busy being born, you're busy dying."
-Bob Dylan

"Lord, give me the strength to change the things I can
The courage to accept the things I can't
And the wisdom to make a difference."

Love Letter to Self--You'll Be Okay

This is for all the losers
The freaks
Those who are saddened
Those who listen to Indie music
Those who dance and fly around in fields
Those who wear wings
Those who always sing, even in silence
Those who exude all kinds of paint and colors
Love yourself, love yourself
Please stay, please learn to love yourself
It's worth it
Learn to speak your mind
Learn to accept yourself
It doesn't matter what you do
It doesn't matter what you say
It doesn't matter who you are
I'll love you anyway
You need to only be yourself
Take care of who and what you are
You know you're a fairy, elf
You're a super-star
And you'll go FAR...
FARTHER THAN MOST
And I will always love you.

Hearing: "If You're Not Cute, You Might Aswell Be Clever"

There's something comforting about listening to an audio book. When I was five it was A.A. Milne's "Winnie the Pooh" and "When You Were Young." Then when I was seven: "The Chronicles of Narnia," "Peter Pan," "Ballet Stories," and "Black Beauty." When I had to look up at adults, I needed three things to get to sleep: my Pinkbear, my bed-side light on, and an audio book. It didn't matter if I heard it before. The story would comfort me, the narator's tones rocking me to sleep and the alarming notes keeping me awake and making me aware. I was afraid of the dark so I had the covers over my head every night, with the light on, and a voice lulling me to sleep.

Not many things have changed now. I stare right into the eyes of adults and sometimes look down (I get a secret joy from this). I've listened to "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," "Inkheart", "Runemarks", and foolishly Neil Gaiman's "Coraline." More recently I have listened to every David Sedaris audio book the library has. "Naked." "When You Are Englufed in Flames." And as I'm writng this: "Me Talk Pretty One Day." I was first introduced to Sedaris when in my AP Language and Composition class was instructed to individually mark up the SantaLand Diaries, around Christmas time. It told the story of Sedaris going to get a job as an elf in a mall and how unnecessarily horrific the job of one of Santa's elves. Then, as a class, we listended to his "high-pitched" voice read the passsage.

He didn't quite reach an octave like Truman Capote, whose voice did not change form when he was in forth grade upward, but he seemed like Capote and his lover Jack's lovechild, in that he's genius and seems to know it, secretly. I get a certain pleasure when I listen to this satirical, hilarious, and intellectually blunt stories, his voice immitatable in that it sounds both unemotional and reminiscant to the point of of being on the verge of laughter. Even though he makes up half of what he says, I know some is true and that's comforting. Sedaris feels like a relatable man, with a profound sense of enjoyment that is not heard in his voice, but felt by his audience. I love the little jazz interludes and closings. (I wish him and Hugh all the happiness in the world.)

So excuse me, I need to go meet a fellow chipmunk over drinks, meaning yes, I am "in the buisness." ;)

Growing Up to Be Alone

When I go out with my mother
She goes one place, I go the other
She'll call me when she's in my zone
It seems I'm growing up to be alone

I thought I saw her, my heart racing
And it wasn't her at all
One day I'll drive myself to the mall then home
Seems I'm growing up to be alone

How do I get along?
So much thrown and expected
At me, of me
Furiously wanting freedom
And hating small-town norms

Drive away into my own sunset of today
Forever shown
I'm growing up to be on my own

I feel like my own lover
Ditching ego and making love to myself
Madonna, Gaga
Benatar, Bowie
Sometime's it's wonderful to be lonely
Because it's temporary and necessary
Life can be scary
But I'm strong enough, not as weary anymore
Autonomous Lillie-Love
I must confess, I feel better holding your hand

~Gay man  in a pansexual woman's body.

My Body

What should my body look like to you?
You seem to know.
All fit and tan like a man
But slim and fair like a female dancer
How can you know exactly who I am?
I'm a figment of your reality
Just let me be
I need to be free
My body is perfect all on its own
Should I starve it, fill it, dress it, or leave it bleeding?
What life is, is my body
You're a wimp and you're a hottie
Who's to say what I'm supposed to feel about my body?
Who's to say what I feel about my body?
Somehow, I'm growing each and every day
In some sort of way
I'm becoming like a warrior
Wearing man's clothing
So don't question why I do things
It's natural and behavioral science
My body is the essence of nature
The question I ask is suddenly everyday, everyday
Women, men, how do I choose?
How do I feel when i look at you?
I wonder
Your lips do look tastey, however

You're a feminine boy
And you're a natural joy
You shine above the rest
You're a masculine girl
Taking over the world
This ain't a test
I'm letting go of my convictions
My scabs are healing
And forgiveness is a given
Oh my God, my Goddess, my world
Reality you beckon me
So take me back
Oh don't you see
I don't wanna die anymore?
Afraid of not being the good girl
That girl must disappear
Oh wait, she's already here
A beautiful young person
Pursuing the world
You see beyond the spectrum
I see beyond the spectrum

Oh I forgive you, My Body
MY Earth-made Body
My beautiful Body
My wonderful Body
Angel on Earth
Fairy-child
This is yours
Your body is your life